Sunday, October 27, 2013

I Can't Have it All I really miss those sunny Californian days, the cool breeze off the San Francisco bay, the golden hills, and the smell of lavender after a winter rain.  Yet, despite how good it was sometimes there I also felt at other times very dull.  Being a native New Yorker you become accustomed to a deep sense of cultural diversity and immense change all the time.  I am not writing this to justify my move back to New York City.  Believe me, there are days here in New York City that I feel more tense than alive and more angry than joyous.  When you live in a place where millions of people are literally living on top of each other, with all of their differences and unique ways in which they are inconsiderate, you can become over taken with a sense of unyielding anxiety.

In New York City you feel even more intensely how you have no control as to what is going on around you.  There is no place to run and "hide."  Every park is loud.  Even my bedroom is filled with the loud sounds of automobiles and clanking metal.  I realize that the only salvation is found within {and this is true where ever you are}.  Yet, sometimes this frustrates me {and also inspires me} because I realize I have so much maturing to undergo.  Yet, this is the beauty of New York City.  For the reward of living here, if we let it, is a heightened sense of internal control {as well as having access to to world}.  On the flip side though, its peril is less control, anger, and a feeling of helplessness.

All those living in New York City say that they that they both love and hate it here.  It's an intense place that breeds intense people.  And although this may be the thing that has us frustrated with each other, this is also the same thing that makes is very interested in each other.

With every choice in life there is a consequence.  I left the relaxed and beautiful environment of California for the intensely interesting and tense environment of New York City.  I realize that I can't have everything I want in one place or situation.  None of us can.  I realize that my constant striving to "have it all" only leaves me unsatisfied.  Chasing the illusion of the "perfect life" is like chasing the dangling carrot in front of our faces that is and always will be out of reach.  No amount of money or power changes this.

It seems that there will always be a fire burning within all of us that wants more or something different.  Yet chasing the dangling carrot has exhausted me.  And now I attempt to no longer chase the perfect life, but instead to work at making it beautiful with what is going on, right here, and right now.

Life is bittersweet I suppose.  Even when we feel knocked down we are still left with a choice.  We can either be grateful or resentful.  Even in our darkest moments there is a feeling within us that knows what is best for ourselves.  I believe that this is the gift of life.  I believe, that this is where the essence of God lay within us.  So that no matter what, no matter where we are or what we are doing we may feel that we are living a life on purpose and in control...even if just that purpose and sense of control is only found within us through our feelings...

Friday, October 25, 2013

A Beautiful Evening

Sometimes life is just beyond my ability to understand it through thinking.  Essentially, life is always more than what I think it is or perceive it to be, but only sometimes do I remember this.  When I humbly admit this to myself I feel a sense of beauty that has no way in which I know how to describe.

As I let go of the attachment of needing to know I move into a state of curiosity.  For in these precious moments even the mundane aspects of life seem profound.  The aspects of life that I come into contact with daily seem to come alive.  The inanimate aspects of life, the steel buildings, the stop sighs, the wind, the moon, and the streets seem to be more than what they actually are.
Although I cannot put this all together and tell myself what this all means...I can say with confidence that all seems to be alive and interconnected in some way beyond measure.  All of life seems to belong to something so amazing...  I ask myself, "is this what it feels like to feel God?"  Even if this is just a quick glimpse into her beauty I am sure made more alive.  Tonight I become reinvigorated to connect with life in deeper and more humbling ways.